Welcome to my blog, a dad’s attempt to connect with his children, Camille and Chloé Lacour, who do not know anything about me and how much I love them. They might one day visit this blog and feel the desire to contact me again. With this blog, I also want to connect with other dads, who like me do not see their children, are confronted to the indifference and inhumanity of the family court system that deprives fathers from their rights to see their children or sides with abusive mothers, who use the family court for that purpose.
I have been on trial for physical abuse from 2002 to 2008, for allegedly having broken the cochlear implant of my daughter Camille. On Sunday, April 22 2002, I went with my girls, who were spending the weekend with me, to the French Consulate in New York. It was the first day of the French presidential elections, and they looked rather bleak. My sisters had phoned me and told me that the polls predicted a runoff between Chirac (right) and Le Pen (extreme right). Jospin (left) was gone. Camille (7 and a half) and Chloé (almost 5) could not care less. They were having the best time running and hiding in the voting booths.
After having voted, I had to bring back the girls to their mother and we were likely to be late. As we were getting on the cab, the girls started fighting for a seat next to me. I sat in the middle of them but they kept fighting. As Chloé would not stop, I slapped her hand. This prompted Camille to say to me that she would tell her mom how I was treating them. She hit the sensitive cord: For several months, I had received numerous and pointless written complaints and threats of action from my ex-wife. The food I was giving to the girls was not good, the time they were getting to bed was not right, I even had Camille slept in my bed a whole night (ten minutes in fact while her sister was waking up). I seized Camille’s face with one hand and told her that their mom had nothing to say on this matter. At that moment, I deeply regretted to finish on this sad note what had been a wonderful weekend .
I did not see my girls the next two weekends I was supposed to, because my ex-wife had put unacceptable conditions for them to take place. First, no overnight visitation and only Saturday, because I was dangerous. I refused. If I was dangerous on Sundays, I also was dangerous on Saturdays. I wanted to see the girls the whole week-end. Second, my girlfriend Laura had to be there all the time, which neither her, not I, wanted. I had also visitation every other Fridays. I had my last unsupervised visitation on Friday, May 10 2002. on June 13, 2002, two cups knocked at my door with an order of protection. I was to stay away from the house where my girls lived otherwise I would go to jail.
In july 2002, Camille underwent surgery to have her cochlea implant replaced. I did not know it and would have liked to be close to her at this moment. When, in the beginning of the fall of 2002, I was made aware of it by my lawyer, I called the surgeon. Not the talkative type. He told me one thing:” the first implant did not move.” Not so curiously, he was never called to testify during the trial.
In july 2002 though, I received a visit at my home of an Administration for Children Services (ACS) social worker, who investigated the case. Her verdict was that the accusations of abuse were unfounded (click on the following link Notguilty). I thought the nightmare was over. In fact, it had just started. Family court would strip me of my rights to see my children in three steps.
Step 1
Accusations were ACS-certified unfounded but it did not mean that I was going to get back my regular weekends with my girls. In fact, I was entering the wonderful world of family courts where you pay a supervisor to see your kids. Why? Since there is a complaint, there is a trial. Between the time of the complaint and the beginning of the trial, time has elapsed and mummy has whispered in the ears of our children that they don’t want to see me alone and at my home. That’s enough for the no-Einstein law guardian: supervised visits. The sad thing is that it will always be enough, even when there will be evidence of parental alienation.
Step 2
Two-years of supervised visitations and a sloppy forensic evaluation report later, Camille, Chloé and I moved to therapeutic supervised visitations. One might naively presume that the sequence should be reversed: provided that there is some substance to the accusations of abuse and depending upon their gravity, one should start with therapeutic visitations. If therapy is successful, you see your kids normally. if not, therapy continues. Therapy was very successful and I thought my ordeal was over. The social worker had recommended the resumption of my visitations in a short transition of four visits (click on the following link spolingSV). It was without counting of the abdication of the whole system before a strong-willed alienating mother. Ex-wife asks for the head of the author of the recommendations, the director of the agency supervising visitations caves in, and the law guardian is gone fishing.
Step 3
There should not have been a step 3. In the Spring of 2004, after the non-implementation of the recommendations of the social worker, I should have sent Manhattan Family Court to hell. Indeed, giving up these recommendations amounted to letting a free-pass to mum’s alienation. The judge orders “experimental” therapeutic visitations with my girlfriend as the supervisor. These visitations turned to be a disaster because mum wanted them not to succeed. For my girls, I had convinced the judge to order these visitations. In 2008, six years after the accusations, the verdict finally fell: I was not guilty of abuse. Yes, mum had alienated the girls against me but sorry, there is nothing we can do about it. Visitations? More of the same: Therapy for me and my alienated girls (click on the following link THE RULING). Have a nice day!
I would later realized that my story is not peculiar at all. It is sadly the basic cartoon of many non-custodial fathers accused of physical abuse. Family courts deprive you of your fundamental rights to see your children and never restore them. Family courts do not lift a finger to sanction parental alienation. There is only one thing that family courts consistently enforce: child support payments.
Given this state of affairs, I believe that it is counterproductive and wrong to cooperate. I did and many fathers do, because our relationship with our children is at stake and we are not used to be treated like criminals. Family courts rulings might be law, it is not justice.
Vindictive ex-wives eager to exploit every complaint to get “Daddy” into trouble. Been there.
Thanks for the comment on my blog. My daughter is 13. She’s told my niece that as soon as she is old enough, she will get away from all of her family never to have contact with any of them again. Your ex is abusing your kids in much the same way. Not every child feels the hurt so much. Keep the door open, brother!
Larry Holbrook
Honolulu, HI
808-735-8426
http://www.mywiferanoffwithourkids.com/
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. My husband has a horrific ex-wife that we’re dealing with, also. There is much need for a blog like yours and I plan on adding it to my blogroll.
I don’t know how to offer you any hope as I have none myself. I try hard to keep my head up, but father alienation syndrome is running rampant and mother’s are getting away with it time and again.
Keep blogging, keep fighting, one day your girls will be able to figure out the truth for themselves, much like I did. I am a child of divorce and my mother tried to poison me about my father. I figured it all out for myself at about the age of 16.
Keep hope!
Dear Pierre,
Things have to change so much of what you write about I am experiencing as well. Just recently i was ashamed of myself when i actually thought to myself that I’d give my ex wife what she has wanted since our divorce, for her new husband to adopt my 2 daughters ages 9 and 13 . Monetarily she is burying me and than comes the threats of incarceration. My only hope is that when my kids are old enough to realize/understand they will see their mother as a woman who deprived them of their father. I love my kids and will never never give them up. i will stand and fight till i die. Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to vent. Man on Fire
Hi,
I am hoping to speak to various people about parental alienation in order to write about it and raise awareness in the form of magazine features and would appreciate it if you would contact me. I am in Australia
reagrds Tricia
I was also falsely accussed and arrested. The claim was spousal abuse. 14 months and 10 court appearances later the case was dismissed “in the interets of justice”. I never got to see a shred of evidence or my accuser (ex-wife) in court. Filing freedom of infomation form for my file went unanswered even after I paid lawyer to submit and follow up. I had to fight for my life and have been able to maintain a relationship with my son who lives with me haf the time. I have lost 90% all my assets. Worse, I rasied my stepdaughter from the time she was 7 until 18 and there is now virtually no relationship. She has been manipulated by her mother but I am hopeful one day she will realize it and we can communicate with eachother more then just pleasentires when our paths cross.
All of this has taken place on NYC. over the past 5 years.
About two years and a half ago I lost my job. I was on employment for 7 months and got a new job at a much reduced salary. I had petitioned for reduced support and the case was thrown out saying that my job loss was not relevant. I objected and won! Now we go back to to continue the hearing. I pay 100% of my son’s expenses and always have.
There is not the slightest hint of justice in the NY court system. The all female judges and magistrates look right in my face and threaten me all the time. Once the court room doors close, they do and say whatever they want and dare you to do anything about it. There is no supervision or accountability.
What happened to the blogger and me go on all day long every day in skyscrapers full of court rooms.
My attitude is to not let them think they scare me. I come prepared and tell my story and force them to accept my dcoumentation and keep coming back knowing I will continue to be misstreated. I can’t just let the prejudiced and corrupt judges, magistrates and lawyers treat me like this without a fight.
If enough people were treated like this we would be taking to the streets. I am a native NYer. Before my divorce I had no issues with the police or anything to do with the courts. Like most people I figured most of the time “justice is served”. In a few more years when my son is out of HS I have a feeling I am out of here.
As America stares into the black void of the “Penn State” situation. I hate to turn it towards the courts but sadly i have to. As children are separated from their fathers by the diseased court machine the children are left more vulnerable to predators,like hackers that see a way to exploit a week system.(household).I have to partially blame the parents. where were they when their boys were sleeping over night at Sandusky’s house? In these times every parent should know not to have their children sleep overnight at anyone’s house unless you want to take the risk of your child being abused. These are the things that keep fathers awake at night when they are separated from the children.From being a great father to just hoping your son or daughter isn’t being sodomized by someone the mother trust that you don’t know about is a very sad way to live.
Dear Pierre,
I am so sad for you.
Certes,tu n’es qu’une ombre de mes souvenirs de lycée.
Je croyais m’amuser en surfant sur internet en essayant de savoir ce que quelques uns d’entre nous étaient devenus, c’est alors que j’ai découvert ton combat.
Tu ne le sais sûrement pas, et sinon tu as oublié, mais tu m’as aidée à Ste Geneviève des Bois.( Le seul fait de me parler était inhabituel dans mon environnement).
Je compatis, je te soutiens.
Véronique
I’m sorry to read about your plight. I am in the same circumstance. To be brutally honest, your children are a lost cause. You should focus on yourself. I know this is harsh but it is true. I fought long and hard to be with my daughter and now she is taking on her mother’s role, refusing to contact me. This system needs to change and support collections should be dismantled. Not only being the arm of the family court system, It is a garbage agency disguised to help but only destroys lives, encouraging segregation, poverty and heightening despair as well as keeping fathers from their children. There are no rights for fathers in NY. You have more rights in criminal court than you do in family.
There should be an #occupyfamilycourt!
Good to know there are men like you and others attempting to bring awareness of vindictive, angry, fearful ex-wives. It blows my mind what women do to their children just to hurt the fathers. I believe the court system will change and men’s roles as fathers will be seen equally to women’s roles as mothers if and when men take a stand and fight, fight, fight, fight for their rights. BTW, I am a woman who been through divorce and I can’t imagine interferring or belitting my children’s fathers, even years later. Kids are smart – eventually they figure it out, yet, the damage and pain has been done. Very disheartening that women or men want to destroy the relationship between father/mother and child. What a wonderful world we live in.
Cher Pierre.
J’écris en Francais car je ne peux pas le faire en anglais et je m’en excuse d’avance pour les autres liseurs… La lecture de ce blog m’aide beaucoup à relativiser mon cas mais pas vraiment à calmer ma colère et l’angoisse parentale dans laquelle je me suis moi-meme…
Voila, Je vous écris en tant que père biologique et civique de Paul et Nilo MALYSSE YATTAH qui vivent actuellement chez leur mère argentine à Buenos Aires dans le quartier Las Canitas , Capital. Je suis actuellement en procès avec la « mère » de mes fils, parce qu’elle considère que Paul et Nilo lui appartiennent de fait et de droit et prive en toute conscience ces enfants d’un contact avec leur propre père, qui est leur seul parent biologique. C’est afin de respecter les droits internationaux de l’enfant à vivre avec son père que je vous fais part de mon histoire, et logiquement, de celle de Paul et Nilo.
Nous ne formons pas avec Betina, la mère, un couple ordinaire. En réalité je ne la connaissais pas très bien avant la naissance de nos enfants: je vous explique pourquoi. Je suis anthropologue, professeur et je vit au Brésil depuis 1998. Je suis homosexuel, mais mon désir d’enfants était grand quand j’ai, au début de ma rencontre « amicale » avec Betina évoqué avec elle la possibilité d’une co-parentalité: une insémination artificielle entre une femme hétérosexuelle sans partenaire et un homme homosexuel sans partenaire, vivants dans des pays et possédants des cultures différents mais réunis par leurs désirs d’enfants. Nous en avons beaucoup discuté ensemble, elle a rencontré mes parents (les futurs grands-parents paternels), mais je n’ai jamais vu les siens… Je lui faisais confiance et c’était pour moi le principal, je l’imaginais bien comme mère de mon (mes) enfants(s) et elle disait me vouloir comme père… Le désir d’enfants est une question qui se pose à tous, homos ou héteros. Ensuite on choisit d’y aller ou pas… J’ai laissé au Laboratoire (dans lequel Betina avait déjà selon elle réalisé des traitements avec un père anonyme) mon matériel génétique et une autorisation ou DON à son nom.
Je ne savais pas que Betina n’était plus féconde, et c’est avec surprise que j’ai découvert, quand elle est tombée enceinte un plus tard, qu’elle attendait deux enfants parce qu’elle avait réalisé une óvulo-donation d’une mère anonyme… S’il est admis qu’une femme peut être mère sans père, un homme ne pas être père sans mère – ne serait-ce que juridiquement. Pour reconnaître son enfant, un homme doit désigner la femme qui a accouché, alors que pour celle-ci, le simple fait d’accoucher la rend juridiquement mère.
Mon projet de co-parentalité, la configuration de ma paternité, n’étaient pas vraiment tel que nous l’avions décidé d’un commun accord et j’ai rapidement constaté que cette configuration familiale devrait être totalement innovante dans la façon dont elle dissocie d’emblée la conjugalité de la parentalité. Quand la motivation pour le choix de la co-parentalité est conservatrice – un enfant a besoin d’un père et d’une mère – et qu’on a pas conscience du caractère totalement nouveau de cette forme familiale, on va facilement vers des malentendus et des conflits. Une fois que les enfants sont là, les accords passés peuvent êtres difficiles à tenir et on comprend pourquoi beaucoup de gays sont réticents à l’idée de faire appel, pour un projet de co-parentalité, à une femme…
Dès la naissance de Paul et Nilo, le discours et les attitudes de la mère ont diamétralement changées : notre amitié avait laissé la place à une tension constante : plus j’essayais de l’aider à s’occuper de Paul et Nilo qui donnaient beaucoup de travail, moins je me sentais reconnu dans ma paternité. Rapidement, des formules comme : « Tu ne sais rien ! » « Laisse faire les nounous… » puis, « Tu n’es que le père génétique… » « Tu es GAY alors tu veux être la mère… » m’ont progressivement éliminé de la vie de mes deux fils. Mes fils vont avoir deux ans en novembre, et ils ne connaissent pas ma maison, mes amis, n’ont jamais passé 24 heures avec moi ou été nourris et lavés par mes soins. J’ai passé plus de 4 mois proche d’eux, d’abord chez la mère, puis dans des hôtels et des appartements de location dans une situation d’aliénation parentale d’une telle violence psychologique que je crains que cette situation ne préjudice la santé mentale et sociale de mes fils.
Dans un boycott de toutes mes relations avec Paul et Nilo, leur mère avec qui j’ai signé un contrat que spécifie que mes visites sont illimitées, continues à m’interdire de les voir et de miner toutes les relations que je peux avoir avec eux, et ceci malgré la distance entre mon domicile (Sao Paulo, Brésil) et leur résidence.
Paul et Nilo ont le droit de passer du temps avec leur père, de connaître le Brésil, la France, de passer du temps avec leurs grands-parents paternels… Je suis français, je vis au Brésil, et je fais entièrement confiance en la Justice Argentine afin de lutter pour que Paul et Nilo puissent jouir d’une relation continue et affectueuse avec leur père français qui vit au Brésil, même s’il est évident que je peux également leur rendre visite en Argentine quand mon activité professionnelle me le permet.
Paul et Nilo ont le droit et le besoin d’avoir un père qui les accompagne dans leur vie privée et scolaire, affective et culturelle.
Cordialement,
Stéphane Rémy Georges MALYSSE
I would like to address something no one ever mentions. I was a victim of DV I was run over by my ex. At court my ex was fined a whopping 50 dollars where is I could walk on foot for 2 weeks. Then I became a victim again, by my advocate, I asked my advocate early on if she knew my exs attorney, the answer I was given was no. Turns out after research they did know each other for over 20 years. My exs attroney not only knows my advocate but they talked to each other during my exs DV case in which the attroney wasn’t even the attroney of record for the case. Then I find out that the attroney is on the domestic violence houses board of directors and has been for 15 years, and the director is also on a board the attroney has. Then I am at court defeending myself from my advocate saying that I was gong to shoot ex next time I was ran over, a comment I did not say and never would say. I even went so far as to call the DV house and tell them my advocate was angry at me and sad and talked to herself ect. At that something was going on with her and someone should check it out. No one did. She was shot and killed by her husband who then shot himself . I asked the new advocate if she has ever been to court and she tells me no that’s he first thing they teach you. You don’t testify against a victim. But I am a man so rules must be different. The system is broke until there is a way to protect victims from the good old boy or good old girl network where it’s who you know not what happen. It won’t ever be fair. How can a system be where there is no conflicts where victims are prejudiced against because of sex. I was a victim and I continue to be a victim until someone fixes the broken system we have in place.
Please visit http://custodyequality.blogspot.com/ to hear another story and find out how you can help fathers obtain fair custody laws.